Maui Traffic Cone Sets Record for Stationary State

A worn traffic cone in Central Maui has set a world record for remaining in the same spot for the longest period of time ever.

The cone located near Kahului Elementary School has wild grass grown so tall through its interior that the tips poke out of the cone’s narrow top.

So much so, in fact, that the owner stylized it.

“We started combing it into the Mohawk back around 1994 when there was a sudden boom in popularity for punk rock,” said Kai Wahinehine, who has rented the house since then. “The cone was already there. Now we call it Billie Joe, after that guy from Green Day.”

Representatives for Guinness World Records were contacted, and after research into the property’s ownership the organization determined the cone has not been moved since 1984.

“I can’t even remember why we put it there,” said Lance Kawabunga, the property’s previous owner. “I think it was to prevent people from backing into that traffic sign pole that’s still next to it. So it seems that it worked!”

A nonprofit studying sociology on islands throughout the Pacific Ocean says the stationary cone represents a satisfied localized environment.

“It says, first, that it’s a society that thinks ‘If it ain’t broke, why fix it?’ “ said Hiram Bocachica, director of mid-Pacific studies for the Pacific Peoples’ Sociology Project based in Honolulu.

“Secondly, it indicates a content society, one which cannot be bothered to pick up a cone to mow underneath, when it works just fine mowing around it.

“What we can’t figure out is why someone trimmed grass carefully around it.”

Around the corner, Jeb Hickins is working on a cone on his parkway that’s been there since 2009.

“The mane isn’t quite there, but we’re happy with how it’s grown out,” Hickins said. “The kids in the neighborhood love it. I saw a girl walk up and pet it last week.”