State Announces New 12-Tier Pandemic Re-Opening Strategy {NRL}

The State of Hawaii, responding to criticism that it secretly added a Tier 5 to its COVID-19 lockdown “reopening strategy,” has announced a new 12-tier pandemic recovery plan that officials say will be the last adjustment needed.

“We just figure, while we’re at it, let’s make it a clean, even number, and something easy to remember,” Gov. David Y. Ige said Friday. “We felt we needed that Tier 5, just in case, but people seemed surprised by it. But who knows how many more we’ll have to add before people can be free again, right?”

Officials Friday said they had been considering making it 10 tiers, but in the end they believed 12 is a more memorable number.

“It is, after all, the number at the top of every clock, and represents the dozen eggs we buy all the time,” Lt. Gov. Josh Green said. “There are 12 months in the year, and a lot of good football quarterbacks wore No. 12.

“We just want to make sure we are properly insulated from this terrible virus, while at the same time having enough tiers so we don’t surprise everyone again.”

Up until last month, Tier 4 was the finish line that counties had been aiming for, the least-restrictive tier of social and business activity before all COVID-19 restrictions are lifted and life can return to normal.

Under the new plan, the current 5-Tier reopening plan would be expanded to 12 tiers, with distinct “finish lines” to cross to reach each, before Hawaii’s counties can ease restrictions ranging from mask wearing to how many people can be in a bar at the same time.

The addition of Tier 5 was a surprise to most people last month, when all the counties were finally freed into the least-restrictive Tier 4, only to discover later that there was now a Tier 5 that no one mentioned before.

“It was like going on double-secret probation in ‘Animal House,’ ” said one Maui County restaurant owner, who requested anonymity for fear of having even more tiers tacked on. “We all looked at each other and were like, ‘Tier 5’? What’s that even mean?”

“Yeah, that didn’t go over so well,” Green admitted. “With the new, memorable number 12, hopefully everyone will know what’s coming and what to expect. The scientists we have been relying on this whole time agreed: ‘more tiers good.’ ”

Green explained that having a lot more tiers as backup will be helpful, so if the number of COVID-19 cases dwindles to almost zero, the state can easily just cut off some of the tiers closer to 12. “It’s always easier to cut at the end when we don’t need them, rather than add on quickly,” he explained. “People are tired of surprises. We kind of maybe should have told them in advance about Tier 5.”

To help with the change, the Governor’s office approved a marketing program to help educate residents about the 12 tiers. The state has tentatively approved Count von Count of the Muppets to be the mascot, to count with residents on cable television each time a new tier has been reached by a county.

“Remember,” the count says in one TV ad in draft format. “Twelve is the smallest abundant number, and it is a sublime number. It is a number not to be forgotten, and it’s fun to count to!”