Former Gov. Ige Threatens Double Secret Probation Until All Masks Properly Disposed

Former Hawaii Gov. David Ige has issued a proclamation threatening “double secret probation” for islands that fail to properly dispose the surgical masks littered all over the place.

“I was snorkeling off Ulua Beach on Maui and a mask floated right by like it was a fish,” Ige said. “I thought, by golly I told everyone last year more than once to pick up the masks. Now it appears they are migrating.”

When reminded he is no longer governor and has no authority to issue ultra-punitive pandemic responses, Ige claimed exemption.

“They said we would feel the impact of my pandemic directives for years to come,” he said. “Sounds like an emergency to me. New resolution!”

Meanwhile over on Maui, residents were curious since the pandemic in reality ended with 2021.

“It’s really not that bad,” said Isabel White, 28, of Haiku. “By now we’re pretty used to it. It’s like the new normal.”

Others wondered about the potential penalty.

“I don’t know what double secret probation is, but it sounds really bad,” said Jake Fapper, 31, of Kihei. “I vaguely remember an authority figure declaring it a long time ago, like the late 1970s. Didn’t go well, caused a big riot from what I remember.”