10 Things You Can Do with a Stolen Armored Humvee on Maui (and 10 You Can't)


The Maui Police Department on Tuesday asked for the public's assistance in an investigation into the theft of an armored Humvee from the National Guard Armory in north Kihei.

We here at Maui Insight ask the question everyone else on island will ask when learning about this heist: What the Hell can you do with a camouflage-painted armored Humvee on an island like Maui?

So, being here to serve, here we provide 10 things you can do with an armored Humvee on Maui; followed by another 10 things you can't do.

CAN DO with an armored Humvee on Maui:

  • Drive to a body and paint shop to have it made to look like a white or grey Toyota Tundra. Fit right in.
  • Abandon on side of Road to Hana. Bonus points if you light it on fire, too.
  • Have it raised super high and put on ginormous tires, once again to fit in. Bonus points for annoyingly loud sound system playing bad rap.
  • Paint it like a food truck and sell hot dogs out of it until things cool off.
  • Cut out the catalytic converter. Might as well to get something of value from stealing something this, um, stupid.
  • Paint it to look all rust-covered and stay in Haiku or Hana for a while.
  • Be sure to always rear-in park at Costco, Walmart, Target, Lowe's, Home Depot, and Chic-Fil-A.
  • Paint orange and park next to the new Kihei roundabout, blend in with the thousands of orange safety cones all over the place there.
  • Paint it orange and put a big reflective strip all the way around, to make it look like a rubber safety cone. Maybe also cut a hole on the roof. Be realistic.
  • Cruise it to Little Beach. Just to say you did, to your buddies while in jail.

CAN'T DO with an armored Humvee on Maui:

  • Don't drive through the new roundabout on Piilani Highway in Kihei. Get stuck.
  • Don't drive it anywhere in Kihei. Also get stuck, from traffic mess caused by the new roundabout.
  • Don't drive fast over OGG speed bumps. Break axle. No surpass 2 mph. Better yet, avoid OGG altogether. Lot of cameras, except in parking lots.
  • Don't drive it off-road. No one on Maui drives 4-wheel-drive trucks off road. Too unusual, instant giveaway.
  • Don't park it at night in Central Maui. Get stolen. Or have catalytic converter cut off.
  • Don't drive through Paia. Never make it through the lone signal fast enough. Too many crossings by tourists and stoned Paians.
  • Don't drive Road to Hana. No fit through several bridges.
  • Don't drive back route to Hana. Not insured for it.
  • Don't paint with super bright color. No fit in.
  • Don't drive in daylight, Maui PD uses drones to spy on us all. Duh. They find you in that big camo beast.

Not Satire (that means the following is IRL ~ in real life)

The Maui Police Department actually IS seeking your help in the ongoing investigation into the theft of a Humvee, which occurred at the National Guard Armory sometime between 6 p.m. Monday and 5:30 a.m. Tuesday.

The M1165A1 type Humvee is described as camouflaged in color, with E-09 painted on the front bumper.

Anyone with information is urged to contact MPD at (808) 244-6400.

To remain anonymous but still help, please call Maui Crime Stoppers at (808) 242-6966.

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