Kiawe Thorns from Maui Proposed to Combat Spy Balloons

Maui officials have proposed for the U.S. military to engage super-nasty kiawe thorns in its new battle against spy balloons or helium-filled UFOs.

County of Maui administration officials sent a formal letter to the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) saying that engaging kiawe daggers against floating thin-rubber objects would end that nonsense real quick, and that thousands if not millions of the little buggers are here on Maui.

“I mailed them an envelope filled with kiawe thorns, and they were screaming obscenities when they called, so I know they got the point,” said Edgar G. Kakalaioa, senior administrative bureaucrat for the County of Maui. “Like a lot of us here on island already have gotten the point: there’s little defense against them except to avoid.”

The long-thorn kiawe grows into a rambling large shrub or tree, ranging from 6 to up to 30 feet in height. Thorns in the so-called long-thorn kiawe have little thin spikes 3 to 4 inches long, while the non-long-thorned variety has smaller leaves, with thorns that are “only” an inch long.

Long-thorn kiawe thorns will penetrate entirely through rubber slippers, especially those made by Locals; cheap boots like those from Walmart in Kahului; and even the tires of cars, trucks, Kawasaki Mules, motorcycles, and bicycles.

The thorns even have poison-tipped ends to cause bruising or swelling in some people ~ making it even more promising for further military uses, Kakalaioa says.

“We suggest that the military invest in our shipment of large quantities of long-thorn kiawe, as we will never know the thickness of the rubber evil-doers will use to float things over our country,” Kakalaioa said.

Local enthusiasts of hidden and secret trails and beaches on Maui said hold on.

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“The long-thorn kiawe grows into dense thickets, through which secret tunnels can be devised so only locals can get to neat trails and empty beaches,” said Joe Hoa of the Maui Association for Strategic Kiawe Engagement (MASKE), a local grassroots community group that monitors kiawe use and removal matters on island.

"Eventually they crowd out native plants, and render trails impassable, preserving killa beach for locals,” he said. “The kiawe is important in these places to maintain cool spots free of pesky tourists.”

Jeff Mendelson, an analyst with the U.S. Department of Defense charged with making recommendations on potential new weapons, said the jury is still out on the kiawe thorns.

“It wasn’t rejected out of hand, let’s put it that way,” Mendelson said. “We’re considering all options. We only have so much jet fuel, and we don’t know how many balloons will fly over us at 40,000 feet up. We may have to resort to rockets to detonate close to targets ~ and kiawe thorns seem a proper fragmentation cargo, as long as the engagement occurs over an ocean, or over most of Canada.”